Sometimes you have to get back on the horse…or in my case, the seahorse!
Last week my primal brain won…temporarily anyway. I “know better” than to listen to it in cases where my life isn’t in danger. I’ve studied enough neuroscience to make sense of how it works. And yet last Tuesday I conceded to it and gave up!
I’ve been scuba diving for over 20 years. Deep dives, wreck dives, shark dives, but all warm climate. Given my gallivanting around Scotland, I decided to take an advanced course on dry suit diving in cold waters. Easy peasy, right?!?! “I’ve done much harder than this so it’s a cakewalk”, said my ego.
The coursework was simple. Then it was time for the checkout dives to prove my skills for the advanced qualification. The newer dive master, a young lady in her 20’s, took me out so the more experienced dive masters could take out the “newbies” because we all expected this to be a tick box exercise, given my experience. It was anything but.
It started with me not getting suits on properly. I struggled with 4 before I got one to fit correctly. By then I was annoyed, tense and frustrated. Then add all the extra heavy weights and other gear, the tight fitting strap around my neck to keep water from getting in, and the super tight 5mm hood and it was time to dive!! Or not…😳
The trainer started by getting me to kneel in shallow water and put my face in the water to overcome the shock of the cold. Ok. Then let’s just sink down below the surface a foot or two on the jetty and get comfortable. That’s when it all went sideways!
I started to completely freak out in two feet of water! I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had a perfectly normal functioning regulator in my mouth getting plenty of air but my brain had decided I was suffocating. Between the tight hood around my face and neck that also blocked off my ears, the mask, the regulator, the tight strap around my neck, my whole system was in some sort of claustrophobic panic. Every cell in my body felt like they were screaming “GET THE #@*% OUT OF HERE!!!”
I signalled to the instructor I needed to go up. Surprised, she came up and I calmly explained what happened and how shocked I was that I was having what felt like a full blown panic when I absolutely love the water and diving. I couldn’t reconcile what was happening because my logical brain was perfectly fine…”this is all ok; there’s no threat; why are you panicking when this is your favourite thing to do?”
Despite knowing there was no actual threat and that this was a primal brain response to a perfectly normal situation, I opted to quit. I knew my whole system was in too much shock and was flooded with adrenaline, which wasn’t a good way to start a dive.
I was embarrassed. I felt guilty for wasting her time. I felt like I’d let myself down, as well as the team of instructors and my partner who was becoming newly qualified at the same time. I was so annoyed with myself for allowing myself to quit when I knew exactly what was happening in my brain. I know better! And…let’s not forget to add “I don’t quit!!!” Not so helpful to have all the negative self-talk when your system is already at its wits end and struggling to calm down.
The diving director suggested I snorkel instead to get used to the cold water, as I’ve never been in water so cold. That was simple. I realised the issues were with the neck strap and the ultra-tight hood. They were the culprits causing me to feel like I was suffocating when I wasn’t. Despite knowing all that I still decided it was best to give diving a break for the day.
The good news is I returned three days later and sailed through my two checkout dives – this time paired with a guru master diver who’d done all the instruction and who also had a very calming and confident demeanour that could put anyone at ease. That experience felt like what I had expected…easy and enjoyable. I went on to make a couple more dives with my partner and newly qualified “dive buddy” over the next few days…all without issues with the suit, the cold or even my primal brain. It was all smooth and easy…just like I was expecting with diving.
Of course, I took a couple of lessons from this experience…
The first is that sometimes we “know better” and yet our system still says no. That day I honoured my overall system by giving it a break and not forcing something my body clearly didn’t want to do. That’s not easy for me, as I tend to push myself to just do it anyway. Learning to trust my instincts or my body rather than listening to my head has been a key area of growth for me in recent years. “Knowing better” and forcing something that doesn’t feel right at the time isn’t always the best option!
Second, being over confident about something and not giving it the respect and attention it deserves can sometimes bite me in the backside. I won’t say I was cocky about it, but I was definitely nonchalant and over confident. Karma had a way of teaching me a lesson in being over confident that day. Sometimes the most humbling experiences can be those we least expect.
Lastly, it’s not quitting or giving up just because you don’t do something precisely at the time you thought you would. Perseverance and giving something another try even when we feel we’ve “failed” or not gotten something the first time is critical to growth and learning – and self-confidence for that matter. Also, being forgiving and non-judgmental towards ourselves when things don’t go as we’d like is just as important as picking ourselves up and giving it another go.
While I didn’t accomplish what I intended on the day, I was proud that I listened to my body, didn’t allow myself to spend time judging or criticizing myself, then I went back and finished at a time when it felt better for me. And that’s ok! It was about getting back on the horse, or the seahorse in my case.
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